5 Things I Won't Tell My Future Hypothetical Niece

Let me open up by saying that I absolutely don't want children. This isn't up for debate here. But just because I'll never have kids of my own doesn't mean I won't ever have kids around me. If I'm going to be a female adult influence on some girl's life down the line, I want to hold myself accountable with what I say because I may never know what sort of influence my words have on girls trying to make sense of growing up female. Naturally I wrote a list of things some of the adult women in my life said to me when I was growing up that are absolutely being stopped dead in the water by me right now. I will never say the following things to the girls in my life:  

2. Take smaller steps. You walk like a man!

You know what's a really great way to get girls to take smaller steps? Foot binding. And as we all know, traditions like that one were implemented in order to raise up women into positions of power and dominance. Sorry about the sarcasm; this one's a sore spot for me. I got told I was “walking like a man” all growing up by my mother, and it was never meant as a non-critical observation. It was almost always followed with “take smaller steps.” I never understood why, if I had somewhere to be, it was a problem for me to take longer, quicker strides to get there.  

3. That's not very lady-like!

This is the crux of lots of ignorant things adult women say to girls. Manners are important to a degree; however, instead of insisting that your daughter act “like a lady” why not teach all children to be polite and respectful without tying it into their gender identity at all? I owned several books on manners growing up, and do you want to guess how many books like that my two brothers owned?  

4. Ladies don't sit like that.

Again, this one is tied into the idea that all girls should be “ladies.” Girls are taught from a young age to be polite, soft-spoken, and pretty. I can understand telling your daughter to be careful how she sits when she's in a dress or skirt, but honestly if she's young enough not to understand why flashing her underwear could be problematic, she's young enough to wear shorts under her skirt.  

I had a picture that was taken of me with my first-grade teacher where I was sitting on her lap. We were both smiling, even though we had our disagreements that year, and we both looked actually happy. I remember my mom seeing it, and the first thing she said was that I was sitting like a man and it wasn't flattering. I was wearing some sort of shorts to the mid thigh, but my knees weren't together. Whenever I went and looked at that picture from then on, I distinctly remember hating it because all I could see when I looked at it was that my legs were open and I was twisted away to the side. I thought I looked ugly and wrong and felt a pretty strong sense of shame, so I hid it in the bottom of one of my memory boxes in the back of my closet.  

5. You'd be so pretty if you just [changed some arbitrary aesthetic]!

Never. I will never, ever say this to anyone for any reason. I know never is a strong word, but this is one of the most petty awful things about physical appearance that can be said to a girl trying to grow up in this society. I heard this more times than I can count on two hands, and it was usually something like “you'd be so pretty if you just lost thirty pounds/wore makeup/dressed prettier.” Because what this is reinforcing to a girl is that the way she is right now is not good enough, and she should try to fix that.  

First of all, this assumption presupposes that there's some sort of universal measure for aesthetic attractiveness. Looking back on what few pictures I have from the time in my life when I was told that (late middle school and high school), I can objectively say that I was actually pretty. It's strange; at the time I thought I was so much larger than most of my friends. But I wasn't. There were a few guys my age that asked me out or told me I was pretty in middle and high school, and I laughed in their faces or spat back something snarky. It wasn't meant to be malevolent; I just thought they were hassling me because who would actually think I was pretty? I didn't.  

There's nothing wrong with a girl wanting to be pretty. What's wrong is when an outside source tells someone unsolicited what they should change about who they are to become “pretty.” I did start dressing nicer in middle school. I started wearing makeup in high school. I joined a gym and ate half of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a juice box and a 100 calorie count snack bag for lunch every day of high school. I wish someone had told me that if I did want to be pretty there isn't one right way to go about it.  

People tend to look their best when they feel their best. I started drinking only Diet Coke when I was about fourteen or fifteen, and I started trying to do Weight Watchers just before that. I didn't even start my period until I was fourteen, but I was being told that I needed to start losing weight so that I could be pretty. So that people would like me. So that I could get a boyfriend. Nobody asked me if that's what I wanted, and even if they had I would've told them what I thought I should. I thought I was obligated to be pretty because every adult woman in my life told me I needed to be pretty and lady-like. It's not all their fault either because no doubt that they were told that growing up too. Women are expected to be pretty above all else, and although I think our society is slowly evolving, there's still so much work to be done.  

Things That I will Instead Say to the Future Girls in My Life

1. Read any good books lately?

Instead of commenting on a young girl's aesthetic, I'll ask her something about the activities she does. If she wants to talk about how she and her mom got her nails or hair done, I'll listen to that too. Asking a girl about her hobbies is a way for me as an adult woman to communicate with a girl about who she is as a person rather than as a decoration.

2. Is there anybody you like/have a crush on at school?

Obviously I wouldn't ask this of a complete stranger, but if a girl I'm close to has alluded to there being somebody she's interested in, I'll ask. I'm nosy! But I'll refrain from ascribing genders to the crush-question because assuming that just because she's a girl she's interested in a boy is one hell of an assumption.  

You'll note this list is a lot shorter than the other one because, frankly, there's not a general list of things to ask of any future girls in my life. It'll all depend on who they are and what they do. It would've meant a lot to me if the women in my life while I was growing up ever stopped to consider why I wore baggy t-shirts and jeans all the time rather than just accusing me of “hiding” or pressuring me to change the way I dressed. It would've meant a lot to me if instead of encouraging me to wear heels and jewelry and short skirts, my mom asked about the book I was writing. It would've meant a lot to me if instead of pressuring me to lose weight the women in my life offered to do outdoor activities with me like playing basketball, tennis, volleyball, or some other kind of active game so that we could all stay healthy while having fun.  

That's why I've decided to write down the things we need to stop telling our daughters, or nieces, or other girls we encounter. We adult women are some of the biggest influences in how girls perceive where they fit in society, and we need to lead by example. I have to remind myself that although it would be much easier to slip back into repeating what I heard while I was being raised, that doesn't make it right. I also have to remind myself that women like my mother were really trying, in their own unfortunate way, to look out for me. They knew the pressures women face in day-to-day life. They knew that women are expected to be pretty first and foremost. They knew all that, and they were trying to keep me from being labeled as “weird” or “ugly” because those are hurtful words. They were trying to spare me from a harsh reality. However, by trying to force me to fit into a mold that I didn't want, those women showed me better than anyone else the damage words can do to a girl's feeling of self-worth.